week 3: a strug-a-strugglin.

camp la vida staff is a-strugglin over,
camp la vida staff struggles in their souls. 
this was a long, hard week. it was 108 degrees, there were staff issues, camper issues, sickness issues, and we were very, very tired.

to really get down to why this week was hard, i need to tell one of my stories that seems off topic at first but really it's a perfect metaphor for the thing i'm actually wanting to talk about(if you've read my other blog you probably hate these. sorry) so bear with me because it might take a bit for you to get the connection.
some time on wednesday, i scraped my arm on something. it was super small and didn't hurt, so i didn't think it needed a bandaid.
later that day the little scrape itched. without thinking, i scratched that little itch, then stopped pretty quick because it hurt. the little scrape got a teeny bit bigger. i still didn't think it needed a bandaid.
as the next two days went on, little girls constantly grabbed my arm and put their nasty little hands on my little scrape. i didn't think about anything except the fact that it sort of hurt.
saturday my arm started to really really hurt. not just the little scrape...i mean all under the skin halfway up to my elbow was burning like nobody's business. i looked closer at it and found there was a huge puffy circle around the little scrape. hope and holli looked at it, practically died, and we realized my arm was very very infected.
i had no idea how that happened...i retraced my steps and realized, if i had only put a bandaid on it right away, then i wouldn't have itched it in the first place, and no little kid germs would have got in it, and it would probably be better by now.
so, as i sat in cara's kitchen soaking half my arm in peroxide, i debriefed the whole situation like i do all of life.
i realized that a lot of times at camp, i'll run into something like my little-scrape-turned-big-infection.
a little thing goes wrong.
i instantly see a solution to that little thing, but i don't see a real need for it, so i don't do it.
things keep irritating that little thing, and i ignore them. it isn't too late to do what needs to be done to fix it, but i don't want to do it. i tell myself the little thing will go away on its own.
but soon i realize the little thing is not only not going away, but it's spreading and hurting the rest of my work.
that happened this week. unlike past summers though, i've caught it pretty quick. and me and God have fixed it, and i'm gonna be just fine. basically, i need to rest. i need to read my Bible. i need to run. and i need to ask for help.

anyways.
this week was hard for a lot of people because it was a double minicamp week. that means we had one group of campers come monday morning and leave wednesday morning, then we got a few hours break until another group got here wednesday afternoon and left friday after lunch. then to make an already crazy week crazier, a couple hours after those girls left, we had a mother-daughter overnight group come until saturday at lunch time.
that is a ridiculous week.
the first half of the week was mother-daughter minicamp, which is always one of our favorites! while most of the moms that come for weekends are great, ALL the ones that come for minicamp are the super fun ones who are totally excited to be here. i had an amazing group in every way. the girls loved me, i loved talking to their moms(who all on wednesday said they couldn't wait to send their girls back by themselves next year and asked if i would be working again), and i had a former staffer mom, which are my favorite kind ever. side note, did yall know that 2002 was ten years ago? that's crazy.
the second half was a little more difficult. remember how i've had 4th and 5th graders the first two weeks? well for minicamps we get a lot of younger girls, so i had eight 2nd graders and three 3rd graders. don't get me wrong, i love the little ones but i learned this week that i have no patience with them. i love them from a distance, but having a cabin full of them just takes too much out of me. it's not that i didn't love them; they were precious and made me laugh a lot, i just would rather play with them all day than deal with their questions and HS and constant need to hang all over me all day. none of them are gonna go home saying i was frustrated with them all week because i'm sure they had no idea. but that makes me sad because they think i was a good cabin leader, when really i was pretty mediocre. i did the total bare minimum for them that i needed to, and these girls deserve so much more than a cabin leader who gets them where they need to be and doesn't yell at them.
after such a hard week i was so ready for another group of moms to come, and thankfully i ended up with the best group ever! this was the first time that i knew the moms better than their girls(though the girls were wonderful too). and my favorite mom ever was there with her youngest(in another cabin, sad day), she's come eight summers in a row with all of her daughters but this is finally her last year that she can come. her oldest who was in my cabin with her in '09 is going into 8th grade now. crazy crazy.
i love that i'm finally at the point where mother-daughters are fun and relaxing, not stressful and awkward like when i was little. i feel so much older this year.

so, stories:
1. the funny one. for the second minicamp, me and tori had a little girl whose name was tori(we called her little tori). just like staffer tori("big tori" from this point on), camper's tori's name wasn't short for anything, it was just tori. just like big tori, little tori is CRAZY country. little tori was the sweetest and sassiest child you will ever meet.
little tori changed her mind more often than my sister changes what country she lives in.
"i HATE camp la vida!"
"why do you hate camp la vida?"
"you wake us up in the morning!!!!!!!"
a couple hours later...
"i don't WANT to go home."
"why not?"
"my brother is SO annoying!"
the next day...
"i can't WAIT to get out of here!"
"why?"
"you TORTURE children!"
"how do i torture you?"
"it ain't even 10 am and you're makin us get out the bed!"

2. the slightly serious but still kind of funny one.
on thursday for decision night, one of my girls wrote on her card "i want to be a savior." i thought this might mean she wanted Jesus to be her savior...but when i took her aside to talk to her and asked her to tell me about what she wrote, she said "i want to be a savior!" i asked her what she thought that meant. she says "well, i want to save people. like make them better when they're sick or have problems. see, i'm gonna be a doctor when i grow up."

now we have a week off. you can still be praying, for lots and lots of rest. for all of us. i'm not the only one who's had a hard week. we all need physical rest, but more than anything pray that we can all soak up some real deep Jesus time this week. my heart needs rest more than my body and my brain right now. i need to get refocused.

week 2, post 2 of 2: good preparation.

this week also had our first mother-daughter camp! i was more excited for it than i've ever been for one before. usually i'm not a fan of them, but this year i was actually looking forward to having older-than-me campers.
at dinner one of my moms asked me what my major was, and when i said youth ministry, she said "oh, i'll bet camp is good preparation for that!"
what?
i was seriously thrown. i've never thought of it that way. if anything, my major is good preparation for camp, not the other way around. in my classes, i've never imagined using what i learn in any other situation.
that night i was laying in bed thinking, in one of those moods where i'm annoyed at how much i love camp and how i can't see myself anywhere else. because realistically, i HAVE to find something else to do with my life someday. so i asked God why the heck he can't give me another passion. and he brought my mind back to this story, which happened thursday night.
this is that amazing camper story of the week that i referenced in my last post.

in all but one of my "bad groups" as i call them, there's always one girl who makes the whole week worth it. this week God gave me one who taught me something by having me teach it to her.
madeleine is nine going on nineteen, and is one of those little genius campers who has a crazy wise-beyond-her-years answer for everything. despite the fact that it took an hour every day with all the girls interrupting to ask about swim time or throw their stuffed animals around, i still looked forward to Bible study because madeleine had the best things to say. thursday, we were talking about the people who taught us about God, and then the girls had to list one or two people that they can teach about God. madeleine raised her hand and asked me "have you ever been talking to someone, you know like about Jesus, and they asked you a question, and you just started answering, even though you didn't know what you were saying?" i was VERY confused...and she went on "you know, like the words are coming out of your mouth but it feels like it's not even you talking? you just know they're true, almost like God is putting the words in your head?"
yes i have...but i was seventeen the first time that happened, not nine.
i told her that that was God speaking through her, and that's how he sometimes uses us to tell people things. she started laughing(in the same way i do when i start realizing big truths) and she says "but that's just so cool! i mean i'm only nine, but God can still use me! isn't that cool?"
yes it is. that's why i love my job; a few hours later God used her to talk to me just like that.
that night during their decision service(which i usually hate because little kids don't get what it's for; all their "decisions" are either what they think their cabin leader or buddy wants them to write, or just something emotionally pushed), madeleine called me over to her. she had her decision card and pen in her hands, and she said "i just...i know God wants me to do SOMETHING. and i know it's really important. but i don't know WHAT that is...it's really confusing." as i usually feel on decision nights, i didn't know what to say to her. but she went on, "i know it sounds crazy since i'm just a kid, and i don't know how to explain it but i just KNOW God's trying to tell me something! how do i find out what it is? or is it really not God since i don't know?" and i told her that God has a plan for all of us, but sometimes he doesn't tell us all of the plan at once. sometimes he gives us little glimpses at a time, and as we trust in each little bit, he reveals more and more of it. but if we wait to see the whole plan before we trust him, we'll be waiting forever.
no one had ever told me that before. i hadn't heard it or read it or thought of it anywhere. the words just came out of my mouth like madeleine talked about in Bible study. and they were the words i'd needed to hear for five months.
she looks at me and says "okay...so you mean that right now, God is telling me to trust him? that he does have a plan and it's just not time for me to know all of it yet?" i said yes, she just needed to keep listening and waiting, and do whatever she could while she waited. it's okay to not know everything, because God knows it all anyways.
God's words again. not mine.
sweet little always-follows-the-rules asked "so what do i write on my card then?" i laughed and told her maybe her decision could be to say yes to God as soon as he tells her the next part of that plan.

ok now we're here. back in my room asking God what in the world i'm supposed to do with my life other than camp.
i laid there and kept thinking, and i thought about what i had said to madeleine about not knowing the whole plan at once. how we can't doubt that we're on the right path just because we can't see the end of it. and i knew that whatever is around the next turn, camp is the right path for now. whatever else there is, i'll be just as excited about that when God shows it to me as i am about camp.
and i've known the next step towards whatever that is for a while, i've just been too scared to admit it because it involves a lot more school after undergrad. but...i promised madeleine...so i have to trust God. just like i did when i changed my major(which i also had[still have] no idea why he told me to do, but did it anyways because i knew i had heard him right).
since it's not totally related to camp, i'll share the rest of this story on my regular life blog a little later.

but seriously. camp is my life right now. whatever else God has in mind must be pretty darn awesome. no matter how hard i try i can't imagine doing anything else. and as much as i keep saying "that's a bad thing," i really don't believe that. most people think it's a bad thing because they don't get that this isn't just a fun summer job, and i understand their point. but i've already written about that here and a little bit at the end of this.

anyways, after that tangent...
this was also a really special week for a lot of reasons.
my last year as a camper, in 2007, i came the same dates as this week(june 18-22).
that thursday, june 21st was the day that God officially called me to work at camp.
this thursday, also a june 21st, God made another official decision for me
then this saturday the 23rd was my seventh spiritual birthday.
what a week. i don't think it was any coincidence that God waited until now to clue me in on some stuff.

week 2, post 1 of 2: until you are too tired to continue.

in the dumb videos we had to watch for CPR training during staff week, they said about three million times that you're supposed to continue doing all the life saving stuff until help arrives, or you are "too tired to continue." the instructors would tell us after every one that it isn't your fault if you get exhausted and have to stop. i asked them HOW in the world are we supposed to not hate ourselves the rest of our lives if we give up trying to save someone just because we're tired? but they said as long as we've done all we can do, we wouldn't be doing any more good to keep trying anyways. i still wasn't happy with that answer, but i've never had to actually use CPR on someone, so i'm okay for now.
the point of that story? sometimes camp is like CPR.
i was so tired this week. my girls weren't bad, they loved me and wanted to do what i told them, but it was a bad mix of crazy personalities, whiners, and a stage five clinger. that adds up to a very out of control cabin. since it was a full week, unit 3 had to be open and my CIT was taken away from me and put out there, so the only time i had help was meals and cabin capers and bedtime when my staffer wasn't at the pool or the lake or the rock wall. basically i was by myself with a bunch of girls who ALL wanted my attention at once, ALL were busy talking to each other all the time, and ALL had two billion questions per hour. i was physically drained from the girl who insisted on leaning her head on my shoulder everywhere we walked, mentally drained from the girl who every two seconds asked where our staffer was and the cousins who picked on each other all day every day, and emotionally drained from trying to be everything for my girls while not letting other things distract me.
needless to say i didn't have much to give to anyone.
by thursday, i was getting sick from not sleeping or eating much and being so stressed out all the time. i felt terrible in every possible way and i was SO frustrated with myself for being tired, because i don't get tired. not much at least, and when i do, i don't notice it because i love camp so much. but this week all i wanted was for friday to come so my girls would leave. and i hate weeks when i feel like that. when i was finally getting ready for bed that night, i told my roommate how bad i had needed a break all day(little things had come up here and there so that the only break i got was the campers' rest time, which wasn't actual rest for me because my girls would NOT hush or stay on their beds), and she asked why in the world i hadn't asked her for help. i told her it wasn't good that i was tired and i didn't want to actually SAY i was tired. and she said "but it's okay to be tired! it's not okay to try to keep going when you're that tired. you need to rest." then for some reason that CPR video popped in my head, and i thought, i'm not doing any good for my girls when i'm exhausted and frustrated with them. i always feel like i'm wasting time i could be spending with them when i take time off, but when i'm that tired i wouldn't be able to do anything anyways...so i may as well rest.
(really we're supposed to be regularly taking breaks so that we won't ever be "too tired to continue" as i'm now saying all the time...i'm trying to get better at that now)
so i was reminded this week that i can't, and am not supposed to, do everything for everyone every day.

but. even with all the crazy kids and stupid staff drama, i came out with my favorite "most amazing camper story" of my whole five years. it's so monumental that i'm making a separate post of it after i finish this one.

as far as lighthearted camper stories go, i do have a few.
1. i had a girl in my cabin who was a little slow. she gave us a lot of laughs this week but my favorite would be when erin P and holli walked up on stage to lead worship on monday night. chloe looks at holli, points to erin, and asks me "is that her daughter?"
2. we were walking past the golf cart on our way back to the cabin, and one of my girls asks me why we have a golf cart when no one here plays golf. another one of them says "golf is a sport for rich guys with too much time on their hands."
3. written in one of my camper essays: "i made new friends through Christ, because i was lonely the first day, but then Christ told me 'go ahead, make new friends but keep the old', so i did."

what can you pray for?
REST. energy. motivation. i should not be this burnt out two weeks in!! i'm frustrated as all get out with myself, and i don't like that.

week 1: 12 more of them.

staff week was a total success, and then this was the best first week i've ever had. the new staff have all done so great and we all work together amazingly! God is doing SO much.
i have fifth graders in my cabin this year and i LOVE them! i've had sixth graders and their attitudes before, and i've had third graders and their homesickness, but i never knew how perfect and easy and fun the in-between ages were. fourth and fifth graders are young enough to love you and think you're cool, but old enough to make friends with each other and not need to be clinging on you all the time. they've still got some of their sweetness but can have really intelligent conversations too. don't get me wrong, i had tons of fun with my third graders last year and i've had some great sixth graders, but this is just the best mix of everything.
this week i had one of the best cabin groups i've ever had. they were some of the best behaved and the most fun at the same time! we could be laughing and bouncing off the walls playing a game, and the second i said it was time to calm down or do something or go to bed, it was like someone flipped a switch and they'd listen and do anything for me. some of my favorite moments:

-one of the in-the-cabin rules is when the lights are out, that means no talking. well, thursday night they got done with showers early as always. we played games until about 9:50(five minutes past when they were supposed to be on their bunks), then they got in their beds and before devotions like i always do, i had them all share about the best part of their day. we were laughing and talking and having so much fun that it got to be 10:15 before i finally looked at the time. i got up and said "okay yall, i love you guys, but i like my job so we need to go to sleep..." they laughed and laid down and i walked over to the light switch and one of them says "no, don't cut the light off yet!" i asked why, and she said, really sadly "well, because we won't be able to talk anymore."
then the next day when their parents were picking them up. we have this big hill from the dining hall that the girls come down when they're coming to say goodbye to us and get signed out and everything, and most of the girls run down the hill to their parents. we never care since it's the last day and they're about to leave, but they're technically supposed to walk. anyways, one of my girls moms got there, and a minute later she was walking down the hill. her mom goes running towards her, and morgan, still walking, says "hey mom! i can't run...no, i'm coming! i just can't run!"
sweet things wouldn't break the rules for anything.

-i observe tie-dye tuesday religiously. so on tuesday morning i woke up the girls, went to get dressed, then came out and saw one of them had on a tie-dye shirt. i said "hey, happy tie dye tuesday!" three others look from the tie-dye girl to me, go back in the bathroom, and a minute later they've all got on tie-dye too.

-also on friday. usually when i have a great group like this i'm already crying before we sing our goodbye songs after lunch, but got through the singing okay...and then i come back to my table and every one of my girls is in tears group hugging, except for my little twins(they were in their chairs with their sunglasses on, refusing to look at me because they said they didn't want to make me cry). so we all hugged and cried and then i went down to wait for all of their rides to get there. and i didn't cry when any of them left, but of course the twins were the last two left, and they were still crying. once they left, i turned to head back to clean my cabin and i bawled my eyes out for ten minutes.

besides my own cabin, i had about thirty or forty old campers spread around camp. another totally awesome thing about having the middle age this year is since last year i had the youngest ones, they've all grown up into middle age now, so i have tons of them in my unit. monday at lunch i seriously had fifteen kids scream my name when i walked in, and i remembered all their names and they were telling me stories all week from last year or years before, and it's just crazy. i'm that staffer that everyone knows. even when i was a camper and knew i'd work here someday, i never thought i'd get there. crazy, crazy, crazy.

when i got back to my cabin on friday, and i was getting the "see all the empty bunks and get sad" moment over with, and i said to my CIT "this is super dumb. i don't know why i'm crying so much, i get 12 more of them on monday!"

but that's what's dumb. i don't. i'll get 12 more campers, but i won't get 12 more of these. and even though that's sort of sad, it's what i love most about camp. i get 12 totally new, special, wonderful girls to pour into and give the five best days of their life to.

okay enough seriousness. this week's funny camper story:
-i was walking to dinner, and the twins were holding my hands like usual. the one on my left looked at my ring, and with the most priceless look on her face, says "you're not married already are you??" i said no, and she asked what the ring was for. i never know how to explain it but i just said "it just means i'm waiting for God to bring me my husband." the one on my right says "well don't worry, you are DEFINITELY gonna get married. you're a REAL nice lady." and the other one says "yeah, and you're REALLY pretty. i mean, you SHOULD be married already!"

and here's what you can pray for this week:
-we have a full camp! well, about 175 campers i think...but it's a lot. pray that everything goes smoothly as some people get moved around and some get to be cabin leaders for the first time. full camps are the best even though they're more stressful. we used to have them all the time so they make me happy. it's like the old days when i never knew what less than 16 open cabins looked like.
-i lost my voice...funnily enough it wasn't even at camp, but one way or another i need to be able to talk and yell and sing by monday.
-this is our first week having acteens!(camp speak for 7-12th graders) pray for their cabin leaders and staff a lot. older girls need such different things from their staffers; third graders just need you to braid their hair and tell them their pottery looks good, but high schoolers need you to answer big life questions and make them feel like they aren't little kids.
-really, everything has gone so great that i can't really think of much for specifically me. so i guess just pray that i keep listening to God and doing his work, that i will NOT let satan get me all full of pride, that i'll remember to thank God for all the great stuff going on and give him the credit for it, because it is most definitely NOT me that's responsible for all this.